Hello and welcome to Aspiebloggen podcast episode 7. I am your host Tommy Eriksson. In todays episode it’s all about what it is like to podcast without passion. This is the podcast where I bring you my views on things, in an attempt to let my voice be heard and to grow my confidence. For too long I have not voiced my opinions on the things that matter to me but that will all change now.
Some of what I will bring up will be about asperger and autism related stuff since that is what my blog is about, but most will be my opinions on things and what is going on in my life. My website is at aspiebloggen.se. There you will find the show notes for each episode as well my other blog posts. The blog itself is in Swedish but this podcast and the corresponding show notes will always be in English.
Now let’s get started.
Todays episode is brought to you by the letter M.
So I’ve mentioned David Lewis who runs the podcast called The Audacity to Podcast before and how I find it inspiring. Well I might not have phrased it like that but yeah I like it. So one thing he has talked much about is POD or Passion, organization and dialog and how those are essential for podcasting. Well this episode will be all about what it’s like to podcast without any of that.
I’ve been watching a videoblog called EEVblog on youtube and I’m struck by how passionate the host Dave Jones is. I wish I could be like that but every time I try to read a script it sounds forced and not at all passionate. Well that is because I don’t really have any passion for things anymore. I have mentioned this before in some way but felt like revisiting the subject.
So what is causing my feelings of being down. I can’t find the script when I said it so it must have been in episode one which was not scripted. I just tried listening to it and couldn’t find the part and really didn’t want to listen to the whole episode. Man I sure hope I don’t loose too many listeners due to how crappy that episode is yet I don’t want to remove it and put a rerecording there. I want to show a possible progression of my capabilities as a podcaster.
So what’s going on is that 2 years ago I applied for disability pension. I wont go into the exact reason for it but since then all my days have been about waiting for a positive notice. Well the first instance turned it down so then I appealed it. The appeal was rejected as well. The was in 2013. Last year the case went to an administrative court or Förvaltningsrätten in Swedish. So more waiting for me. Last November it too got rejected. And now finally it is something called an administrative court of appeal or Kammarrätten in Swedish. Now that court is somewhat different. Before I know if it will even take on the case I have to get something called a probationary. At least that is what google translate called it. Anyway that is what I’m currently waiting for. If I get it then I might get an approval or appeal or whatever from the court, or I might not and if I don’t get it then case is closed.
So here I am sitting around waiting for time to pass so I can begin living. Because that is something that i’m not really doing at the moment. Living. Every day is just a way for me to occupy my mind until the day has passed so that a new day can begin and I might get a court appeal in the mail. Needless to say i hate weekends since there is no mail then. Now I have several things that interest me and that I want to get into but it is hard to find the will to do it. I mentioned the EEVblog before and I found it when I searched for Arduino stuff on youtube. I have seen some episode from it before which was about how stupid the idea of solar roadways are. The math in that episode made my head spin, I’m not an engineer, but you don’t have to be to know that solar roadways will never work. Common sense should be enough. Anyways I don’t know which episode that was and I’m current on about 330 and haven’t seen it yet. I don’t watch every episode because so few of them are of any interest to me. While I began thinking about this episode this morning it took to before lunch before I started writing and then I spent lunch watching more episodes than I should have. It is an easy way to pass the time yet more important stuff suffered because of it.
The table should have been built now but for reasons I talked about in last episode it haven’t so there hasn’t been any pressure on me to fix the stuff I need to do. I finally got the wire baskets that I wanted to have in the workshop and built them on Thursday but it took to last evening before I started taking a better look at moving stuff to them. The plan was to put cardboard in the bottom and sides of each basket to stop small things from falling right through. Well it turns out that cardboard aren’t so fond of being bent into shape so it took about 30 minutes to prepare one basket and then I still had 7 more to go. I just didn’t want to do that so after moving small electronic items related to model aviation into it and then put the large stuff from the same banana box into another basket with some other stuff, I didn’t want to do more that day since it was getting late and all so I called it the day.
I must get the workshop in order soon so I can begin building stuff. BTW if all goes according to plan then by Monday I will have the stuff I need to build the table. I sure hope so. So to summarize the skills I will need to get or improve to make the train layout I want. First there is woodworking. Then there is concrete molding and lastly there is circuit design and microchip programming. Concrete molding is the only thing that I have no experience in whatsoever. While an Arduino obviously is more advanced than the Lego Mindstorms RCX I have programmed with before the principle is the same and I did go a one year course in automatic control engineering but that was more focused of troubleshooting than construction so I’m not an engineer. Yet I did get to make things with real industrial equipment and software. I’ve read about woodworking and know at least a little about using tools so with help I will probably get that table up. I have bought three different books about concrete molding for decorative purposes but non of them mentions ferro-cement which is the technic i will use to build the landscape of the model railroad layout. At least online sources has been of help there.
So as you can see i have a lot of things to learn and I know that I can do it, if only I can put enough effort into it. And there is the problem since I don’t know if I can. I want to, I really do but that passion that I once had just isn’t there due to all the waiting around and all would be so much easier if only my pension could be approved. If so then a huge weight would be lifted from my chest and I could focus better on what I have to do. As of right now my focus is all over the place and I tend to start several things and have difficulty finishing them.
A part of me feels like giving up podcasting, at least for a while, but I’ve put so much time into it and now when I’m in iTunes directory I can’t just quit. And if I did I would just be worried about if I could do it hence why I didn’t want to wait more before starting. Yet every Saturday I know that I have to make another episode and that I will spend most of the day coming up with a script and then proofreading it. I didn’t proofread the early scripts but that lead to problems when I was to read and record them because the bad grammar made me stutter so I had more editing to do. Every week a new episode without passion, organization or dialog. Last week I finished the script half past eleven at night and knew that I couldn’t get the episode out before midnight so I waited till Sunday to record it.
Oh well another week another episode and then time will pass and hopefully something positive will happen. The shownotes for this episode will be at aspiebloggen.se/7 and that will be all for now. Until next time take care.